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Brooks Conrad

Posted in Astros, Baseball, Bench Player, Braves, Grand Slam, J-Mag, Marlins, Pinch Hit, Poetry, Reds with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 11 August, 2010 by Baseball Poetess

The Astros took me in the draft, in June, two-thousand one.
Six summers I played ball for them; then they said I was done.
I signed with the Athletics, but that lasted just a year.
Then Frank Wren said he’d take a chance; that’s how I wound up here.

The Braves were down by six runs on the twentieth of May,
Against the Cincinnati Reds–one inning left to play.
We’d rallied back for three runs by the time I got the call;
With one out and the bases juiced, I got to touch them all.

And almost as exciting, facing Florida in July;
My pinch-hit grand salami broke a Braves and Marlins tie.
That inning saw eight runners score–my RBIs were half.
Though six Braves’ runs were ruled unearned because of Cantu’s gaffe.

Top of the ninth in Houston and the skipper called my name;
An RBI would tie it but a clout could win the game.
Their closer’d only given up three gopher balls all year–
I sent the ball to Crawford Street and swept the bases clear.

I rarely get to start games, ’cause I’m better in the pinch;
I’ll take your pitch four hundred feet if you miss by an inch.
Utility infielder, though my average isn’t great;
My bat can muscle out the ball from both sides of the plate.

Brooks Conrad is clutch.

On May 20th, he hit a pinch-hit, walk-off grand slam home run that lifted the Braves over the Cincinnati Reds to cap a seven-run rally.. On July 24, he hit his second pinch-hit, grand slam home run as part of an eight-run Braves eighth inning. And then, on August 10, he hit a pinch-hit two-run shot in the top of the ninth to put the Braves ahead of the Astros. No wonder some people call him “Clutch” Conrad.

Anyway, I was going to write something generic based on him but then last night happened and I decided, the heck with it, I’ll *call* it “Brooks Conrad” and I’ll write what happened.

The only bit of poetic license is that all of Conrad’s six home runs this year came from the same side of the plate. But he is a switch-hitting utility infielder. He was drafted by Houston, and so on.

Enjoy!

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Etheree for Lance Berkman

Posted in Astros, Baseball, Etheree, Form, J-Mag, Lance Berkman, Phillies, Poetry, Roy Oswalt, Trade, Yankees with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 30 July, 2010 by Baseball Poetess

Lance
Berkman.
A Yankee?
“Former Astro”
I choke on the words.
He asked to be traded
So it wasn’t a surprise.
He was my favorite Astro.
Now one  of the New York hometown ten;
Their new DH–batting two forty-five.

Okay, he’s not my favorite. But he’s my daughter’s favorite. She wrote a song or him when she was in kindergarten. It’s kind of weird to call him a “former Astro” which he is now.

An etheree is a syllable-count poem where each line has as many syllables as its line number, beginning at one and going to ten.

Good luck Lance. And Roy, too. Roy had a rough outing his first game with Philly bit J.A. Happ did well for the Astros. It’s nearly 6:30 am–I should be sleeping.

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Oswalt is Dealt

Posted in Astros, Baseball, Blue Jays, J-Mag, Lance Berkman, Phillies, Pitching, Poetry, Roy Oswalt, Songs, Trade with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 30 July, 2010 by Baseball Poetess

They traded Roy Oswalt, who’s one of my favorites,
A could-have-been-franchise but he asked to leave.
While I understand it, I don’t have to like it–
I may be unhappy but I’m not naive.

They brought us a pitcher who spent the year injured.
How well he’s recovered, we don’t really know.
Tonight he’ll be facing the Brew-crew in Houston–
I guess we’ll discover how well he can throw.

I’m not too impressed with the minor-league shortstop,
Whose forty-two errors just boggled my mind.
The number’s so high that it’s not on the website.
An empty placeholder is all that you’ll find.

In Triple-A Round Rock you’ll see the first baseman,
Though they say Lance Berkman has nothing to fear.
The kid bats three hundred to Berkman’s two-fifty.
So who’ll be the starting first-baseman next year?

The deal’s completed and some folks are happy.
And others complain that the Astros were had.
But good play erases a lot of bad feelings,
And if they start winning, the fans will be glad.

Roy Oswalt was traded for J.A. Happ and two minor-leaguers. One Of the minor-leaguers was swapped with the Jays. So the Astros have Happ, a shortstop named Jonathan Villar (who really did make 42 errors, Matt Thomas said so on 790 the Sports Animal) and Brett Wallace, the future first baseman for the Astros.

According to the Minor League Baseball Wallace is hitting .301 for the Las Vegas 51′s though he’s now listed with the Round Rock Express where he’ll be preparing for his new role. Berkman, according to astros.com is batting .245. Now I realize that Wallace is in AAA, but ya gotta figure that even adjusted that’s better than Berkman.

Now, about Villar and the 42 errors. Click here and see the stats for the Lexington Legends–Villar’s new team. Notice the error column. There is a space for Villars’ errors. Not a 0, not a 42, a space.  Matt Thomas don’t lie so I know what number should be there.  And that’s for this season, folks.  In 100 (not rounded) games.  That’s almost one every other game.

I’m really not as down on Happ as the song implies. He just hasn’t pitched much and only one game since he got back from injury. So the Astros are getting a pig in a poke.  He was a contender for Rookie of the Year, but I don’t know that being first among seconds is a sufficient recommendation.

I think good play erases bad feelings and it’s entirely possible that this turns out to be a good thing for the Astros. But only time will tell.

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The Guy with the Slider

Posted in Astros, Baseball, Brad Lidge, J-Mag, Parody, Phillies, Pitching, Songs with tags , , , , , , , , , on 28 June, 2010 by Baseball Poetess

In to close, bringing the heat
Brad Lidge throws in the 90s
Philly fans are all up on their feet
Want to see him record the last outs

Thinking heat, what do they do?
Take their swing much too early
But Lidge comes in with the breaking stuff too
‘Cause the heater’s not what he’s about

CHORUS:
He’s the guy with the slider
Watch the arc of the flight
Darting down as the hitter is retired
With the top of their lineup
In to face him tonight
And they whiff when they’re facing the guy
With the slider

Batter up, stand at the plate
Bradley throws him a heater
No longer early, now his swing is too late
And it’s strike three and he sits back down

CHORUS:

Got it done, finished the game
Got the save and the glory
In the future, they’ll remember his name
As a man in the pitching elite

CHORUS:

The guy with the slider  (repeat)

I actually wrote this awhile ago but am posting it now. It’s to the tune of Survivor’s “Eye of the Tiger” and Dave Weingart, who was the filk guest of honor at ApolloCon this year said it was “brilliant”. I’m not sure about that, but I really enjoyed writing it.

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Let Me Out

Posted in Astros, Baseball, Fans, J-Mag, Pitching, Poetry, Trade with tags , , , , , , , , on 22 May, 2010 by Baseball Poetess

It’s not that I don’t love this team
or that I want more bucks…
I don’t get any run support
because the hitting sucks.

Each time I’d pitch six innings
and let up three or less…
But quality’s not good enough
for me to have success.

I want to have a chance to win
on nights that I excel…
And so I think it’s time for me
to bid this team farewell.

I know the Bros will miss me…
and other fans will too…
But when my best’s not good enough,
there’s nothing left to do.

Roy Oswalt has always been an Astro. It’s difficult to wrap your mind around the idea that he would ever want to leave. Astros owner Drayton McLane bought him a bulldozer for winning a crucial post-season game against the Astros division rivals, the St. Louis Cardinals.

But last year the most quality starts that a pitcher lost was six. Roy hit that mark here in May. The Astros scored a total of four runs for him in those six games.

While I was researching this, I saw an interesting statistic. Roy’s BAA (batting average against — what opponents as an aggregate are hitting against him) is .233 and his average as a hitter is .231 — almost the same.

The “Bros” in the song are the O’s Bros, a fan group that attends games where Roy pitches. They also track his strikeouts, called and swinging. Very cool people, they probably don’t remember me but I’ve hung out with them a couple times.

I am not going to BS anyone and say Roy is my favorite Astro or even my favorite Astros pitcher. But he’s important to the team and anything that escalates so horribly has got to be taken seriously. This is Roy we’re talking about. I hope that however this works out, everyone will be okay.

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You Waivered Me Bye-Bye

Posted in Astros, Baseball, J-Mag, Poetry, Songs, Waivers with tags , , , , , , on 20 May, 2010 by Baseball Poetess

I know I wasn’t hitting well at just .141
When I went oh-for-twenty, I figured I was done.
My defense always sparkles; I flash the leather fine.
But I can’t seem to get my bat above Mendoza’s line.

And now you’ve waivered me bye-bye
And sent me on my way.
You’re bringing up some guy
Who’s hittin’ well in triple-A.
You know I always try
To look at things your way.
But now you’ve waivered me bye-bye
And sent me on my way.

I’m thirty-four years old now, and I cannot pretend
I didn’t see this coming until it reached the end.
No, I won’t cause a ruckus, I’ll take it like a man.
I may be past my prime but I can still play in Japan.

And now you’ve waivered me bye-bye
And sent me on my way.
You’re bringing up some guy
Who’s hittin’ well in triple-A.
You know I always try
To look at things your way.
But now you’ve waivered me bye-bye
And sent me on my way.

Kaz Matsui was put on waivers. He really was batting .141 and he really did go 0-fer in his last twenty at-bats. I stole the chorus from a song I wrote for Brian Hunter in 2003 when he was waived.

Audio (.3gp)– standard disclaimers (it was recorded on my phone, I’m not a professional singer, it’s a capella, etc.).

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Pillow Talk

Posted in Astros, Baseball, Baserunning, Cinquain, J-Mag with tags , , , , , , on 10 May, 2010 by Baseball Poetess

Pillow
waiting for me
I reach, stretching my arms
Firmly grounding my weary self
I’m out

I’m safe
Though it’s not home
I rest on the pillow
Knowing home is not far away
Breathe deep

While listening to the Astros radio broadcasts, it’s not unusual to hear a base referred to as a “pillow”. So I thought about how bases and pillows are alike.

And I thought about the guy going hands-first into third base, thinking that he wasn’t quick enough but discovering he’s safe.

This is a pair of cinquains. You can see the syllable pattern.

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A Trio of Triolets

Posted in Astros, Baseball, Braves, Cardinals, J-Mag, Mets, Pitching, Poetry, Rockies, Triolet with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on 18 April, 2010 by Baseball Poetess

Ubaldo Jimenez

I didn’t give the Braves a single hit
It wasn’t something I set out to do
My teammates are responsible for it
I didn’t give the Braves a single hit
It wasn’t till the seventh that I knew
I had a chance to pitch the whole game through
I didn’t give the Braves a single hit
It wasn’t something I set ou to do

Yadier Molina

I played for twenty innings yesterday
A standard game is just nine innings long
We were the losers much to my dismay
I played for twenty innings yesterday
Another game is scheduled for today
I never realized I was so strong
I played for twenty innings yesterday
A standard game is just nine innings long

Dissed Astros

The Astros lost eight games before they won
I hope they’re not too many games behind
Three times they didn’t even score a run
The Astros lost eight games before they won
Losing streaks are never any fun
Of late the roster has been much maligned
The Astros lost eight games before they won
I hope they’re not too many games behind

Yesterday the challenge-of-the-day was to write a triolet about events that happened within the last two months. So I wrote about the Astros losing streak. But then I listened to the last half of a 20-inning game and heard about a no-no. So I had to write about those as well.

I have a weakness for the Molina brothers and catchers in general. Yadier Molina caught all twenty innings. He even went 3-for-9. Not to diss Pujols or the others who played all twenty and lost. I’m just amazed at Molina’s strength because he saw more wear-and-tear than anyone–especially having to catch two non-pitchers.

Meanwhile, in Atlanta, Ubaldo Jimenez no-hit the Braves. Sure I got mobile alerts but I was too busy to check them, listening to the antics of the Mets/Cardinals game. It wasn’t until the 9th that the Mets broadcasters announced the possibility. Lets go Mets!

And the triolet that started it all. Teams survive 8-game losing streaks in the middle of seasons, why not at season’s start? I hope they aren’t too many games back to come out looking respectable by the end of the season.

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Felipe Paulino – 16 April 2010

Posted in Astros, Baseball, Cubs, J-Mag, Pitching, Poetry, Sonnet with tags , , , , , , , on 17 April, 2010 by Baseball Poetess

I pitched six innings, gave up only one.
Yes, it was me–their only run was earned.
Yet in the seventh, it all came undone,
Left three men on and I was badly burned.

It isn’t that I don’t know how to pitch
But things did not turn out the way I planned.
I batted for myself, no double-switch
And stretched it out too far and lost command.

When I came back, they got one on the board.
A double-double, two walks back to back.
Of course, those runners came around and scored.
And all because I’d gotten out of whack.

I don’t know why they let me pitch so long,
When everyone could tell there’s something wrong.

I watched most of yesterday’s game at a wing place, noshing on all-you-can-eat wings. Then I went home and heard the rest on the radio (my TV is busted–buy my book so I can get a new one).

This is about my impression of what it would be like to be Paulino. No, I didn’t talk to him or anything, and don’t have his actual perspective. That’s as close to a disclaimer as you’ll get.

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Ridin’ Pine

Posted in Astros, Baseball, J-Mag, Poetry, Songs with tags , , , , , , on 14 April, 2010 by Baseball Poetess

I thought I’d be the regular, startin’ ev’ry game.
Each night I’d check the lineup, lookin’ for my name.
I didn’t swing the bat well, and now I’ve come to find
The manager has got me ridin’ pine
Ridin’ pine, ridin’ pine,
I wonder if I’ll get some playin’ time.
I didn’t swing the bat well, and now I’ve come to find
The manager has got me ridin’ pine.

He keeps on hittin’ better, improvin’ ev’ry day.
If this keeps up I’ll never get another chance to play
And now even his glove work is lookin’ mighty fine
It looks like I’ll be stuck here ridin’ pine
Ridin’ pine, ridin’ pine,
I wonder if I’ll get some playin’ time.
And now even his glove work is lookin’ mighty fine
It looks like I’ll be stuck here ridin’ pine.

I wrote this for Morgan Ensberg early in my career. I’m not going to lie and say that Ensberg was my favorite player (nope, that would be Jason Lane). He was *one of* my favorites though and I had a personal dislike for the guy who was getting the playing time. No reason, it was totally irrational.

Anyway, Ensberg was polishing the bench more that I liked and I felt sorry for him. And the other had just had a couple of games where he actually flashed some leather. So, I wrote this. It has music, too, but I think I’ve forgotten the melody.

I was reminded of it by a comment he made on his blog. So I sent it to him. His comment:

That sounds about right. nice work.

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